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corn-on-the-cobEvery time a tub of popcorn induces a number two of destructive proportions it fails to surprise me that we can power cars on the same material.

You’d think that the link would have been made decades ago, probably by some guy sitting on a toilet having his insides wrecked by a Loews Theater super-combo.

Considering that popcorn has the ability to turn my intestines inside out, you’d think someone would have tried using the stuff as fuel ignition. You just sit there as it turns everything in your stomach to liquid, and eventually the idea, “That stuff I ate would be better suited for a carburetor,” surely enters your head.

Maybe we should stop selling this at theaters now. Granted I don’t know how I’d watch a movie without popcorn, but on the flip side, at least my evenings would free up thanks to gaining an hour of not sitting on the can.

But if we go to the movies and are regularly downing a suitable replacement for diesel fuel, either the movie theaters, car companies, or evolutionary habits are flawed. I’m not pointing fingers. I’m just saying something’s amiss.

read-on-subwayLast night I was reading my book on the subway when the train pulled out of 96th Street and headed towards my stop, 103rd.

Just as the train left the station, I turned the page, and saw that I was one-and-a-half pages away from finishing the chapter. A race ensued.

I don’t think I comprehended a single word that my eyes passed, but I was in this furious competition to get to the end of the chapter just in time for the doors to open and I can leave knowing that I got to a point in the book where the author approved for me to stop.

I didn’t make it. I was two paragraphs shy when the doors opened. I didn’t know what I just read. I didn’t know if something had important happened. It’s not even a great book to begin with, it’s just the principle of the competition.

But I let the doors close and I rode to the next stop so I could get to the page break anyway.

Hot stoneMy birthday recently passed and my girlfriend got me an awesome birthday present, and even though hers is a while away, it made me start thinking about what to get her.

I had a really difficult time with this, not because I don’t know her, but because I have no clue what girls – as in the three billion of them on Earth – actually like.

I was going through every possible birthday present idea, but they all came down to stuff that I would like and nothing that she would really gush over and would think was awesome. And since I’m ultra-competitive, my presents don’t have to be great, they just have to be better than any present she ever received from an ex.

But then I had an idea.

I started thinking of the exact opposite of what would be the ideal present for me. Once I started brain storming in the vein of, What would be the worst night imaginable for me, the ideas started rolling. It was fantastic. Now I can take her to a really pretentious restaurant that charges a ton of money for small portions of food that doesn’t involve either ‘chicken’ or ‘fingers.’ The other customers will all be pretentious douches who think that understanding a 300-strong wine list is a sign of intelligence, and then maybe I can have her get a back rub by a shirtless Scandinavian guy who will order her not to move so as to not throw off the chi being emitted by the stones balancing on her spine.

david-beckham-arsenalI was watching the Champions League the other day, this big soccer tournament in Europe, and it bothered me that the referees wore advertisements.

It shouldn’t have been too surprising because ads are posted everywhere: on players’ jerseys, on the field, along the walls, on the stadium and so on, but something really annoyed me about the refs’ “Fly Emirates” patches, an ad for Emirates Airlines.

A ref is meant to be impartial and I want that standard to continue off the field. Not only do I want the ref to make the right decision in regards to the soccer game I’m watching, but I want him to be completely unbiased in every way if he’s going to be parading around as an umpire.

Therefore, if I say to the ref, “Hey, that was a great call, and also, what’s the best airline for flying from Hamburg to Dubai?” I don’t want him to keep Lufthansa’s services a secret because he’s a pawn in Emirates’ global marketing campaign. I want him to be fair. I want him to be a ref.

homeless-chessDoes it ever strike you as odd that the game of chess is experiencing vibrant popularity amongst the homeless population of most cities? This is a game of remarkable difficulty that requires tremendous wit, foresight and intelligence that has been mastered by people sleeping on duct-taped cardboard boxes. In fact, chess is one of very few similarities shared between Washington Square Park’s homeless populaton and gifted magnet school affluent teenagers. It’s like the Libertarian party of nerd entertainment. My point is that you’d think that if one had the knowledge to see ten chess moves in the future while manuevering twenty pieces with specific instructions for each against an equally intelligent foe, then the same person would have some propensity towards not randomly spitting at me for allegedly joining the invisible monkey people determined at stealing his underwear.

stock_market_downYou know the economy is bad when even I can tell you information about it. If business news has become so prevelant that it’s invaded the sources I prowl then things have really gotten bad. So in between taseteless jokes about sex and race, even I can interject that the dollar is weak and real estate is a bad investment. I’m like J.P. Merrill Lynch over here.

And so I present my grand scheme to save the American economy:

We should stop adjusting numbers for inflation.

Y’know whenever they say that a movie made $20 in 1938, but $400 Million adjusted for inflation? Yeah, well, stop. It made $20 because people had to pay a penny for a film. We should keep that the same.

Who is this inflation guy? Why do we have to change all our numbers to make him happy. Stop changing the numbers out of protest. Just leave them the same. The rest of the economy will fall into place.

Also, we should take away the country’s credit card. Debit system only. We have this huge national debt in like trillions of dollars. Who’s still lending us money?

If a guy owed you 25 trillion dollars, would you lend him a twenty?

los-angeles-trafficThe way that people drive in Los Angeles is the way that people argue in New York City.

Both require an instinctual level of offense-minded aggression with complete disregard to the possibility that you could be liable, at fault or wrong.

You will also continue to regale tales of both to disinterested coworkers in a style dramatically similar to war stories that amputees could share.

Also, after you do both, you’ll absent-mindedly blab to the person sitting/walking next to you about how correct you were and how much of an idiot the stranger offender was.

wi-fi-zone-logoI went down to D.C. last weekend, a city with permanent residents who are douche bag lawyers mixed with temporary tourists who are fat, stupid southerners. This makes me not understand why there was a problem when they had a crack head mayor.

My friend recommended I take the DC2NY Bus which turned out to be a great experience. I didn’t bring my laptop, but they stressed the fact that they were the first carrier to offer free Wi-Fi for the mid-Atlantic trip.

What I found funny, though, was that the internet ON THE BUS was password protected.

You needed a password code to logon to the internet hooked to the sixty-five M.P.H. transportation vehicle.

I’m all for streamlining business practices to aid efficiency, but this seems like they’re not giving people along the Jersey Turnpike the benefit of the doubt. This means that the DC2NY bus is protecting themselves against two types of people:

The first is those who have laptops and get in their cars and follow the bus to try and steal their Internet. I doubt this is the case because rising gas costs, the amount of money to purchase a notebook computer, coupled with the cost of buying and financing a car surely outweighs the money saved by not having Internet, right?

The second group are those who already have homes (presumably alongside, or close to, I-95) who save on Internet by only connecting at their homes for the three seconds that the bus passes through. This would require a radar detector and to be completely ready with Firefox set to connect to Gmail when that box starts beeping.

It’s a good thing that the bus is tall enough so that people don’t try to drive alongside to watch the movie on our TV screens. Then the DC2NY bus would require special vision goggles to keep the outsiders where they belong…OUT!

baseball-tarpI went to the Yankee game on Wednesday night and rain was expected.

Get there a little early, no drizzle yet, but the tarp was down and batting practice had been cancelled just in case. Around ten minutes before game time it started pouring. The good thing about sitting all the way up in the Tier Reserves is that if your seat is bad enough, then you’re covered by the overhang in the upper decks. So although I had vertigo, I had dry vertigo.

So it’s raining pretty hard but everyone had a hunch that baseball would be played. The showers were supposed to pass and the skies were clearing out West. And when the rain began subsiding, the grounds crew came out and started preparing the field.

Here’s the thing. As soon as the grounds crew appeared, everyone started cheering, and the roaring grew as they pulled the tarp off.

But what I forgot was that underneath the tarp, they have an extra layer of tarp covering the pitcher’s mound and the dirt around home plate.

So as they started taking off the giant layer of covering, everyone was clapping. But when they took it off to reveal another layer of tarp underneath, everyone in Yankee Stadium experienced the exact same disappointment that men feel when a woman takes off her bra and she’s wearing tassels underneath.

I had never been strip teased by rain tarp before, but now I know not to get my hopes up until the game’s actually played. Which it was.

coed-footballI think in some respects I’ve gotten so liberal on them that I’ve come out the other side and have found myself sharing the conservative viewpoint, just by a completely different route.

An example. I play a lot of soccer.

Wait, let me rephrase that. I run around on soccer fields a lot chasing after the ball and completely screw up whenever it’s passed to me. If that’s called playing soccer, then dammit, I’m Pele.

So I find myself playing a lot of soccer, which is fine. Thing is, I tend to date girls who enjoy playing soccer too. I’ve dated ex-college players, pickup aficionados, athletes who want to try the sport, whatever coincidence it is, it tends to apply to girls I date and the sport they enjoy.

The problem is that I’m all for equal rights, very liberal, and am all in favor for girls playing pickup with guys. But it is admittedly a little strange when it’s a very competitive all-male, usually all-Hispanic pickup game, and you’re the guy who brings along Becki or Juli or Staci or whatever Mia Hamm-wannabe you’re dating at the time.

The conservative view is that you’re definitely the asshole in this situation. It’s the men’s game. No women allowed, goodbye sweetie. But I’m finding that the extreme liberal view leads to the exact same conclusion.

At first, liberalness kicks in and you’re like, everyone’s allowed to play. Equal rights, no sexism, girls get in the game and should have the ball passed to them just as much as guys. But then you start thinking about it from the women’s rights point of view.

Now not only can women go everywhere, but women can have their own places to congregate. They have nail salons and massage parlors and America’s Next Top Model Viewing Parties and the theater, and a slew of other places where men aren’t allowed. Of course legally men are allowed inside, but socially men are banned.

So you start thinking that if it’s logically in everyone’s right to be allowed to everywhere. Then take that even further and you start assuming that it’s so acceptable that they should be allowed to have their own places too.

If women can have the nail salons and beauty parlors (are there still beauty parlors, or is that just in the movie That Thing You Do?) and men have collectively agreed to leave those places alone, then just as liberal would be for women to gather at their meetings (at beauty parlors, I assume), to agree that soccer games are men-only.

The conservative would say that sports should be kept as male-only affairs. The liberal would say that sports should be male-only, they’re just taking a very open-minded and left-wing approach to reach that conclusion.

I think this is what a Libertarian is. I should find out.

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February 2009