baseball-yarmulkeThe Modern Jew has nothing to do with religion. You’re pretty much an athiest, but you’re stuck with all these spot-on stereotypes and personality traits that are undeniably Jewish. It’s sort of like being a black person except the exact opposite.

These stereotypes include, but are not limited to, living in New York or Los Angeles; having an unpublished manuscript/unsold screenplay; calling your mother on a regular basis; telling people, “You really oughtta watch The Wire;” enjoying sports as much as you are bad at playing them; owning a tote bag with either The Strand or This American Life logos on the side; and offering five different subway trips someone could take when they want simple directions.


You yell at assholes once you’re sure they’re out of range to kick your ass; you pretend to like soccer, which you picked up from studying abroad; you’re cheap. Yes, I’m sorry, no way around this one, you’re cheap.

So what separates a normal white person (aka stuff white people like) from the modern Jew? Especially when the two groups have influenced each other so much that they’re nearly unrecognizable. Well, for starters you can look at them.

The modern Jew compensates for his short frame and dark features with a fiery smarmy sarcasm that either gets him laid or fired. He survives in the wilderness by memorizing the New York subway system and collecting useless facts that allows him to win trivia nights at bars and makes him (wrongfully) think he can succeed at being a fiction writer.

His heroes are Jon Stewart, Chuck Klosterman and Derek Jeter. He would live in Europe or Buenos Aires if it weren’t so far from his parents. He dreams of endless riches and fame, but wouldn’t have anything to talk/bitch about if those were to happen.

He sits in bars and watches hockey, soccer or any other sport unpopular enough to be pretentious. He drinks real beer – dark ales -from microbreweries, leaving the wine thing for the goyim. He dates a lot, but rarely with Jewish girls because one Jewish mother in his life is more than enough.