English Class

English Class

I keep having the question, “How will I need this in life?” answered in really surprising ways.

It can even be answered for every grade of school when I’m sure I asked it at one point or another, even kindergarten. I was asking how I’ll need that stuff in life. But think about it. Isn’t trying to peel the dried Elmer’s glue off your fingers uncannily similar to trying to peel dried tissues off your penis after masturbating?

Who knew? That explains why the teacher wasn’t specific, and instead shrugged a simple, “You’ll see.” Now I see!

By the way, I think the penis looks very funny with the tissue residue stuck to it. It kind of looks like my penis has a cocaine addiction.

Another example is fourth grade long division. We have calculators, who needs division? But then I had to divy up my roommates’ Time Warner bill equally. There was no calculator around, and the electricity hadn’t been paid in months, so I couldn’t power up my computer.

Fortunately I knew long-division. And on top of that, I had also studied factoring, so that I could evenly distribute the cost while factoring out all the porn our pathetic single asses had ordered so that no one got gyped. Thanks, grade school!