When I moved to L.A., I wasn’t sure why the San Fernando Valley existed. I know it’s cheaper than living in L.A. and you can get a backyard and crappy neighbors, but can’t you do that anywhere without also having to deal with the traffic, heat, forest fires and having to tell people that you live in the Valley?
But then I was flipping around TV and I came across an MTV hidden camera prank show (the name doesn’t matter because they’re all the same) and I uncovered the reason that the San Fernando Valley exists. It’s a gold mine – no, a prime breeding pool – for wastes of life to star on reality shows.
If we didn’t have the Valley, we wouldn’t have MTV, VH1, Noggin, E!, Spike, Fuse, The Learning Channel and all the offshoots of those networks. If we didn’t have people from the Valley, there would be no one susceptible to hiding cameras in a fake art gallery and having someone walk around naked and see the Valley bro get weirded out on camera because he doesn’t know if it’s art or gay.
And all the dating show syndicates would be made null. Who could we put on a blind date, have them sign a waiver that they won’t read, then add air bubbles that make jokes about their thoughts just seconds before they actually say those thoughts? Who could we give $100 to try and date a total stranger by dating her mom first? Who will go on a date with three other guys as a competition? Who will get punched in the balls for $20 because he needs his skateboard repaired?
But the real value to the Valley isn’t just that they can live out all those career dreams by going to MTV.com’s casting page and finding twenty shows they can be humiliated on. It’s that after they have their dozen fifteen-minutes of fame and no one wants them for cable anymore, all these people live ten minutes away from the largest porn studios in America.
It’s not just that Valley gives us an entire population to laugh at and endless parking lots where we can film them. But it’s that they proceed to cover up their inadequacies by joining the porn industry. And porn is responsible for both the Internet’s success and stress relief that prevents serial killers.
So go ahead and laugh at the Valley and all its nothingness and the fact that there is nothing to do north of Ventura Blvd. and that its sole contribution to newsworthy events is by telling people where the shelters are after its forest fires and earthquakes.
But try and watch TV without watching their helpful contributions to society. Who will get pranked, who will get humiliated and who will make an ass of themselves because fame is just on the other side of the Santa Monica Mountains? Laugh all you want at the Valley, but as a culture, we are nothing without it.