It comes with you very own Zack MorrisWhere’s the advanced, new media, web 2.0, integrated social platforming cell phone for those of us who still enjoy their 1990s technology? Sure you can listen to MP3s on your Apple iPhone. You can do business on your Blackberry, do your social networking on your Gphone and have GPS with the new Drone, but where is the phone for steadfast CompuServe users?

I don’t need a phone that lets me satellite teleconference or download torrents or set up my DVR. But I do need a phone that has Windows Paint and Minesweeper.

I am in no rush. In fact, I’m in the opposite of a rush. I take the bus in Los Angeles. I have all day. I don’t want the 3G or the 4G network. I would be happy with an old-school beeping, loud, gargly connection of a 1G modem to my CompuServe phone. I don’t want a leather case or replaceable skins, but I would like a pen and a piece of paper and some stamps so that I can send text messages.

Instead of coming installed with hardware that is compatible with Windows 7 or Microsoft 2007, it could run on DOS. I would be much happier if I could trade in my ability to get XM radio on my phone with the ability to play Number Munchers, and it would probably keep me sharp for the day.

I could check my e-mail on Prodigy, play a game of You Don’t Know Jack followed by Leisure Suit Larry and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Even if the phone would weigh five pounds, be the size of a brick and have more radiation than eating lead paint in Chernobyl.

It would make people who fear new technology like myself much more comfortable with using people, but being in denial about it. It’s like when you go along with a senile old person’s story for the hundredth time. Just let them have their world. And let me have my phone.