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Next week: Saw VI

The sequel writes itself

The sequel writes itself

Is it possible that the discovery of the “missing link,” Ardipithecus Ramidus, could finally rescue the long-anticipated Encino Man sequel from development hell?

It seems like a perfect storm of a built-in audience: a sequel that could lead to unlimited franchising; the “based-on-a-true-story” element; the fact that people are surely dying for more Pauley Shore; and that this finally solves that unanswered cliffhanger at the end of Encino Man.

Remember at the end of that piece of cinematic genius? There’s another earthquake, or whatever released the people-stuck-in-ice, and the Encino Woman charges into the house? We now have our Encino Woman.

It’s a movie that hits every quadrant of moviegoers: the high school comedy aspect would get teens and young adults; the Brendan Fraser-Ardipithecus Ramidus love story would attract women; and Pauley Shore would attract old people who think they’re laughing at a retard.

This is just the natural progression of modern anthropology. First you discover the fossil. Then you figure out that it could fit in as the missing link between humans and chimps. And then you theorize what would happen if said fossil had to go to high school in the Valley.

Your first thought is probably, “How will you explain the gap between Encino Man 1 and 2?” But don’t worry, that just sets up the love triangle even better. See what happens is that Brendan Fraser’s character – who is still being held back because he is a caveman and can’t graduate high school – by this time has taken a hot love interest. He’s a fit guy and could probably easily snag a sophomore by this point.

But then Ardipithecus Ramidus, in all her hairy, huge-armed, semi-arboreal-dwelling glory storms into Encino High School while Pauley Shore (no exposition needed for why he’s still in school) and the guy who played Rudy intervene. They realize that Ardipithecus Ramidus is in love with Encino Man, and they’re meant to be together, but he has fallen for a young floozy. So our wacky protagonists have to find a way to get them together before prom or else the “Missing Link” will go missing forever.

Bam, $100 Million opening weekend guaranteed.

Not to mention all the spin offs, sequels, Geico commercials and unfrozen caveman lawyer revitalization that Ardipithecus Ramidus could provide. I understand that her discovery is a major breakthrough for science. But it could be an even bigger breakthrough for her career, as soon as Pauley Shore and Brendan Fraser sign on and Link goes missing no more.

The Bayonne Bridge connects New Jersey douche bags and Staten Island douche bags

The Bayonne Bridge connects New Jersey douche bags and Staten Island douche bags

The pinnacle for an architect is no longer recognition and awards, but rather it’s getting your structure destroyed in a Michael Bay disaster movie. I wonder if the architects of crappy structures and landmarks – be it in major cities or crappy towns across the Midwest (I’m looking at you, Cincinnati) – dream of this during construction.

Slate did an article last week on movies always blowing up the same landmarks: http://slate.com/id/2222015. It seems to be the same buildings in every disaster movie: Empire State Building, the White House, Golden Gate Bridge (somehow still standing when Star Trek takes place. Just to have it be destroyed), the Statue of Liberty and the Washington Monument. I’m sure something would get destroyed in L.A. if anything iconic existed in L.A. I don’t feel like aliens are going to travel thousands of light years to destroy In and Out Burger.

But what about the lowly World’s Largest Ball of Yarn or the World’s Largest Ball of Twine or that ridiculous Ferris Wheel in London that always gets neglected for destruction for Big Ben?

I think it would be more meaningful if the aliens came to Earth and destroyed some stuff while making a point about the state of modern architecture. Yeah the symbolism in destroying the Statue of Liberty is more significant, but does that really pass for a metaphor right now? Ending your freedom by destroying the symbol of freedom? Can’t you come up with something just slightly more clever?

I think it says something more significant if you have a master race destroy the Pompidou Center and the Disney Concert Hall in an ardent stance against Postmodern Architecture. Aliens can be snobs too.

The closest we ever came to achieve this goal was in the Tom Cruise version of War of the Worlds. The aliens travel all the way to Earth and what New York-area bridge do they destroy? George Washington? Brooklyn? Verrezano-Narrows? Nope, they destroy the Bayonne Bridge, connecting Staten Island and New Jersey. Nice. Aliens waged a war with Earth, but took out the vital pipeline of Jersey douche bags and Staten Island douche bags. That’s an alien race that I can get behind.

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