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The sequel writes itself

The sequel writes itself

Is it possible that the discovery of the “missing link,” Ardipithecus Ramidus, could finally rescue the long-anticipated Encino Man sequel from development hell?

It seems like a perfect storm of a built-in audience: a sequel that could lead to unlimited franchising; the “based-on-a-true-story” element; the fact that people are surely dying for more Pauley Shore; and that this finally solves that unanswered cliffhanger at the end of Encino Man.

Remember at the end of that piece of cinematic genius? There’s another earthquake, or whatever released the people-stuck-in-ice, and the Encino Woman charges into the house? We now have our Encino Woman.

It’s a movie that hits every quadrant of moviegoers: the high school comedy aspect would get teens and young adults; the Brendan Fraser-Ardipithecus Ramidus love story would attract women; and Pauley Shore would attract old people who think they’re laughing at a retard.

This is just the natural progression of modern anthropology. First you discover the fossil. Then you figure out that it could fit in as the missing link between humans and chimps. And then you theorize what would happen if said fossil had to go to high school in the Valley.

Your first thought is probably, “How will you explain the gap between Encino Man 1 and 2?” But don’t worry, that just sets up the love triangle even better. See what happens is that Brendan Fraser’s character – who is still being held back because he is a caveman and can’t graduate high school – by this time has taken a hot love interest. He’s a fit guy and could probably easily snag a sophomore by this point.

But then Ardipithecus Ramidus, in all her hairy, huge-armed, semi-arboreal-dwelling glory storms into Encino High School while Pauley Shore (no exposition needed for why he’s still in school) and the guy who played Rudy intervene. They realize that Ardipithecus Ramidus is in love with Encino Man, and they’re meant to be together, but he has fallen for a young floozy. So our wacky protagonists have to find a way to get them together before prom or else the “Missing Link” will go missing forever.

Bam, $100 Million opening weekend guaranteed.

Not to mention all the spin offs, sequels, Geico commercials and unfrozen caveman lawyer revitalization that Ardipithecus Ramidus could provide. I understand that her discovery is a major breakthrough for science. But it could be an even bigger breakthrough for her career, as soon as Pauley Shore and Brendan Fraser sign on and Link goes missing no more.

A blueprint for divorce

A blueprint for divorce

I think that the sole cause for the high divorce rate lies squarely on Jim Henson. Most kids watched the Muppets as children, and I think that something about seeing this throughout our childhoods has permanently implanted that the Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog relationship is considered standard.

Just describing the relationship that these two have with each other sounds like the grounds for divorce, from both sides of the issue.

Miss Piggy put on a lot of weight but thinks she’s hot shit. She’s smothering and controlling and gets whatever she wants with any dissent met with a grabbing of the collar and yanking along her sing-along boat trips. And every time that Kermit (or, Little Kermie, notice the patronized belittling) puts his foot down and says, “No,” she bursts into a crying fit and says that he doesn’t really love her.

Not only would this make any man insane, but this is in fact what drives men to killing their wives and throwing their bodies in the river. I’m not saying that it’s justified, nor do I think it’s the best way to solve a dispute, but I’m just saying that Miss Piggy is the root cause.

And Kermit’s not off the hook either. Thanks to his passive-aggressive nature, he makes it OK to haplessly nod along to his wife’s demands. There’s no passion or romance here, just, “Fine Piggy, Yes Piggy, Whatever you say Piggy,” because he doesn’t want a fight. But there’s no thrill in that for Miss Piggy. This is why women cheat on their husbands. They need to get some excitement in there.

We need to modify the felt role model relationships that we present children.

Now with a You've-been-dumped rebate offer

Now with a You've-been-dumped rebate offer

Have you ever tried to time the start or end of a relationship around holidays which would otherwise require you to spend money?

It’s a really fine line to walk, if you start dating someone two-weeks or a month before Valentine’s Day or a birthday. You don’t want to have to blow a lot of cash, but you also want to seem interested.

Although, if you want to look at it another way, it does even out in the long run, because you get the money back at the tail-end of the relationship, right? It’s sort of like your rent deposit. You might have to pay for the present up front.

Like let’s say you start dating someone just before their birthday, and you gotta shell out for flowers or teddy bears or whatever girls like. But then at the end, let’s say Valentine’s Day or Christmas is looming, suddenly you’ve got a deadline to get out. Plus a financial incentive. It’s like a tax break for people who only enjoy company up to a point.

happy_toothY’know when you haven’t eaten in a while and then you bite into something ultra-sweet, like an oreo or a chocolate bar and you get that shot of pleasure through the nerves connected to your teeth?

I wonder if this is technically the tooth-equivalent of an orgasm. I mean you have all the nerve endings there and it’s that brief but awesome feeling of pleasure.

I think if you achieve this feeling by eating something that’s nothing but sugar and chocolate then it’s the masturbation version, right? I mean it still feels great for the shot of pleasure but afterwards you feel kind pathetic and fat and depressed.

On the other hand, if the feeling of tooth-nerve nirvana is achieved by having a salad or something really healthy, that would be like the Buddhist zen tantra version where you can supposedly sustain tooth heaven for hours on end and brag about it to all your ordinary “Westernized” friends.

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August 2019
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