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Civil Rights means men will still do purple chicks

Civil Rights means men will still do purple chicks

Hot girls, or even mildly attractive ones for that matter, have zero right to call themselves nerds under any circumstance. Even if they actually are nerds in the traditional sense, a hot girl can never in any way be a real nerd.

If a girl is hot – no matter what her interest are – guys will have sex with her. A girl could be a white supremacist neo-Nazi with an ex-boyfriend intent on cutting any potential suitor’s balls off, but if given the opportunity any guy would still have sex with her because she is hot. It’s called spring break in Daytona Beach, Florida.

If a girl is hot and she actually enjoys going to comic book movies and can be a legitimate contender in your fantasy football league, it doesn’t make her nerdy. In fact, it makes you want to have sex with her more because you don’t have to pretend that you don’t like those things. Nor do you have to compromise and do some of her boring stuff in return.

Girls can be nerds but hot girls cannot because being a nerd comes with an unavailability of sex that would rival that of a monk. And hot girls can always – under any circumstance – get laid. The problem is that this isn’t in the official definition of a nerd. For some reason it’s become acceptable to say that a nerd is someone who simply enjoys or does nerdy things. But in reality, it’s a lifestyle.

A guy I know would compare the social circles in his video game-related job to the groups of superheroes in the Justice League and wear comic book shirts – unironically – on a daily basis. He never got laid. He was a nerd. A girl can have all of these same traits, but if she’s hot then she is not a nerd.

Being a nerd means that you’re a social outcast and you can’t be socially ostracized if people want to have sex with you. Women can be nerds, but they have to be ugly and overweight. In fact, it’s even tougher for women because you have to be especially ugly to be a female nerd. As long as you can be clearly discerned as a woman, other nerds will still hit on you. You have to be something out of Ice Road Truckers or the book Middlesex to be a female nerd.

This all goes back to every 1980s movie where the jocks were the bad guys and the nerdy nice guy won out at the end. Revenge of the Nerds, Back to the Future, Weird Science, Karate Kid. Suddenly if you were cool and popular and good looking then you were the bad guy in pop culture.

So all these people who were indeed cool and popular and attractive in high school now pretend that they’re total nerds after they almost bought Watchmen because being a nerd is the cool thing to do. But if sex is a possibility then you cannot be a nerd. Guys know this, it would be nice if girls stopped pretending as well.

It wouldn't look weird with a normal hat on.

It wouldn't look weird with a normal hat on.

I think most guys have gone through the bad facial hair choice phase of their lives. Out of curiosity for how it looks, we, at one point, grew a beard or goatee or moustache or mutton chops.

We do it because we can. It’s something our bodies can do, and we want to try it out. If I were a chick, I would totally do this with pregnancy.

That’s crazy, you have a little person inside you. I would totally try that out if I could do it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to have a baby, so I would get it aborted. But I’d still do a solid seven- or eight-month pregnancy to just to try it out.

It’s not like I want to have a kid, nor do I know what to do with it. I don’t really like dogs and every plant I’ve ever had has died, but if you’re pregnant, it’s like you have an excuse to be a dick.

Preggers women can be as moody as possible and blame it on hormones. It’s exactly what Joaquin Phoenix has done by growing a beard. Same thing.

phallus, or delicious phallus?

phallus, or delicious phallus?

I was eating an ice cream cone the other day when I realized the difference between the male and female sex drive.

Guys can’t keep their eyes off a woman eating an ice cream. We stare at her tongue, watching her technique, seeing how she works it, it’s a natural impulse.

But if women really had the same sex drive as men, then they would stare at men eating ice cream cones with the same glossed-over fervor. Except it wouldn’t be while licking the cone, it would be when you have to use your tongue to get the residue ice cream from inside the cone.

If girls really had the same sex drive as men, they’d be yearning for the moment to see a guy use his tongue to reach inside the cone’s depths. But they don’t.

Imagine that, if women walk into walls and almost get hit by cars because they can’t stop staring at the guy who dips his entire lower-face into the cone to get out every last drop.

coed-footballI think in some respects I’ve gotten so liberal on them that I’ve come out the other side and have found myself sharing the conservative viewpoint, just by a completely different route.

An example. I play a lot of soccer.

Wait, let me rephrase that. I run around on soccer fields a lot chasing after the ball and completely screw up whenever it’s passed to me. If that’s called playing soccer, then dammit, I’m Pele.

So I find myself playing a lot of soccer, which is fine. Thing is, I tend to date girls who enjoy playing soccer too. I’ve dated ex-college players, pickup aficionados, athletes who want to try the sport, whatever coincidence it is, it tends to apply to girls I date and the sport they enjoy.

The problem is that I’m all for equal rights, very liberal, and am all in favor for girls playing pickup with guys. But it is admittedly a little strange when it’s a very competitive all-male, usually all-Hispanic pickup game, and you’re the guy who brings along Becki or Juli or Staci or whatever Mia Hamm-wannabe you’re dating at the time.

The conservative view is that you’re definitely the asshole in this situation. It’s the men’s game. No women allowed, goodbye sweetie. But I’m finding that the extreme liberal view leads to the exact same conclusion.

At first, liberalness kicks in and you’re like, everyone’s allowed to play. Equal rights, no sexism, girls get in the game and should have the ball passed to them just as much as guys. But then you start thinking about it from the women’s rights point of view.

Now not only can women go everywhere, but women can have their own places to congregate. They have nail salons and massage parlors and America’s Next Top Model Viewing Parties and the theater, and a slew of other places where men aren’t allowed. Of course legally men are allowed inside, but socially men are banned.

So you start thinking that if it’s logically in everyone’s right to be allowed to everywhere. Then take that even further and you start assuming that it’s so acceptable that they should be allowed to have their own places too.

If women can have the nail salons and beauty parlors (are there still beauty parlors, or is that just in the movie That Thing You Do?) and men have collectively agreed to leave those places alone, then just as liberal would be for women to gather at their meetings (at beauty parlors, I assume), to agree that soccer games are men-only.

The conservative would say that sports should be kept as male-only affairs. The liberal would say that sports should be male-only, they’re just taking a very open-minded and left-wing approach to reach that conclusion.

I think this is what a Libertarian is. I should find out.

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