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Now with a You've-been-dumped rebate offer

Now with a You've-been-dumped rebate offer

Have you ever tried to time the start or end of a relationship around holidays which would otherwise require you to spend money?

It’s a really fine line to walk, if you start dating someone two-weeks or a month before Valentine’s Day or a birthday. You don’t want to have to blow a lot of cash, but you also want to seem interested.

Although, if you want to look at it another way, it does even out in the long run, because you get the money back at the tail-end of the relationship, right? It’s sort of like your rent deposit. You might have to pay for the present up front.

Like let’s say you start dating someone just before their birthday, and you gotta shell out for flowers or teddy bears or whatever girls like. But then at the end, let’s say Valentine’s Day or Christmas is looming, suddenly you’ve got a deadline to get out. Plus a financial incentive. It’s like a tax break for people who only enjoy company up to a point.

Photo taken right before he killed himself

Photo taken right before he killed himself

So the economy is in the toilet and all my friends are losing their jobs and companies are cutting back in every facet they can find.

I get that this might be a necessity in the current times, but what I don’t get is that if they do all this when the economy is bad, why don’t the splurge in an opposite manner when things are going well?

I want the positive equivalent of what’s going on now when the economy is booming. Right now, everyone is on edge. They’re scared and nervous and snap at you all the time. So I want the flip side when the money is rolling in. When things pick up again, I want clowns and midgets rolling down the aisles of work hallways for no reason other than to brighten your day.

Or some sort of prostitution day would be nice. One day a month where everyone gets a hooker. If things tighten up, we can all share hookers, but I think there should definitely be more hooking in the workplace to atone for all this garbage going on now.

Earning extra cash with live Where's Waldo? events

Earning extra cash with live Where's Waldo? events

In the wake of the economy collapsing, the subprime mortgage crisis pervading every aspect of both American and International stock markets and the seemingly-endless plunge of the dollar, I can’t help but notice that this is the best time ever to already to be poor.

I mean, it’s not like there’s a 401 (K) to worry about.

Frankly, as long as the $200 I have in my savings account…and by the way, when I say savings account, I mean checking account. As long as that’s fine, I’m pretty much where I started. And even if that gets wiped out, it’ll probably motivate myself to out and make some real money for once. And now’s the time to invest anyway, right? No? I don’t know, nothing I have to worry about.

My idea of an investment at this point is grocery shopping, and I’m under the very reassuring opinion that the value of the five red apples sitting in my fridge will realize their fullest potential.

If I had money, I’d probably be very stressed out right now. I don’t need that. I value my sleep, which is most-likely why I’m broke in the first place. But as it stands I can sleep soundly tonight knowing that if the economy collapsed and wiped out everything, well, that’s kinda where I’m at already.

lunch-at-deskHave you ever taken a job, not because of the benefits package or salary, but because the have the best lunch policy from your job offers?

My current company offers a very competitive lunch-bought-for-you-every-day salary offer, which topped any work-for-regular-money offer I had encountered. But the side effects of this were incalculable.

It’s not just me, it’s the entire office who’s in for this. So what you have, in effect, is an entire corporate environment filled with people who have sacrificed their dreams and hopes to make a difference with their professional careers, all in the name of free lunch.

On the one hand, everyone wants to live a vigorating life, making a noticeable difference in America and the lives of others. On the other hand, that’s like eight bucks we’re saving every day!

vaseI’ve always had a problem with the word Priceless. I don’t feel it should be the word to describe something of extraordinary value, but rather should be a synonym for worthless.

Take the word tasteless, for example. When you say that a joke is tasteless, you’re saying it’s bad. You’re not saying that it’s so funny that it’s beyond even quantifying with a value of humor. Every time you use the suffix -less, it means it lacks something, and does so in a bad way, not in a phenomenally incredible way. Try calling your girlfriend attractiveless and see how she takes it, for example.

The word expensive should really replace the word priceless. Or just tell them it’s not for sale and quit being so pompous about it.

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August 2019
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