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The sequel writes itself

The sequel writes itself

Is it possible that the discovery of the “missing link,” Ardipithecus Ramidus, could finally rescue the long-anticipated Encino Man sequel from development hell?

It seems like a perfect storm of a built-in audience: a sequel that could lead to unlimited franchising; the “based-on-a-true-story” element; the fact that people are surely dying for more Pauley Shore; and that this finally solves that unanswered cliffhanger at the end of Encino Man.

Remember at the end of that piece of cinematic genius? There’s another earthquake, or whatever released the people-stuck-in-ice, and the Encino Woman charges into the house? We now have our Encino Woman.

It’s a movie that hits every quadrant of moviegoers: the high school comedy aspect would get teens and young adults; the Brendan Fraser-Ardipithecus Ramidus love story would attract women; and Pauley Shore would attract old people who think they’re laughing at a retard.

This is just the natural progression of modern anthropology. First you discover the fossil. Then you figure out that it could fit in as the missing link between humans and chimps. And then you theorize what would happen if said fossil had to go to high school in the Valley.

Your first thought is probably, “How will you explain the gap between Encino Man 1 and 2?” But don’t worry, that just sets up the love triangle even better. See what happens is that Brendan Fraser’s character – who is still being held back because he is a caveman and can’t graduate high school – by this time has taken a hot love interest. He’s a fit guy and could probably easily snag a sophomore by this point.

But then Ardipithecus Ramidus, in all her hairy, huge-armed, semi-arboreal-dwelling glory storms into Encino High School while Pauley Shore (no exposition needed for why he’s still in school) and the guy who played Rudy intervene. They realize that Ardipithecus Ramidus is in love with Encino Man, and they’re meant to be together, but he has fallen for a young floozy. So our wacky protagonists have to find a way to get them together before prom or else the “Missing Link” will go missing forever.

Bam, $100 Million opening weekend guaranteed.

Not to mention all the spin offs, sequels, Geico commercials and unfrozen caveman lawyer revitalization that Ardipithecus Ramidus could provide. I understand that her discovery is a major breakthrough for science. But it could be an even bigger breakthrough for her career, as soon as Pauley Shore and Brendan Fraser sign on and Link goes missing no more.


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September 2019
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