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Does Johnson & Johnson Shampoo's no-tear promise refer to the sex?

Does Johnson & Johnson Shampoo's no-tear promise refer to the sex?

Everyone knows that sex in the shower is overrated as it is. Someone is always freezing, there’s too many soapy chemicals around that don’t have that Johnson & Johnson no-tears promise (unrelated to the sex), you can always slip and get into some Final Destination-type hilarity injury. But to compound that is if you make the awful decision to go down on the girl while you’re in the shower.

I don’t know if it’s the cascade of the water, the angle, the position of your face or head, but if you get the wrong volume of water flowing in the wrong direction, then I think that is how you can waterboard yourself in the shower.

You feel like you’re drowning, water is pouring over your face, there’s a light covering over your nose so you’re not sure if you can breathe, but you can’t leave because that makes you seem unmanly. It constantly feels like you’re drowning and you don’t have any say in the matter, basically you are being waterboarded.

So then the real question then becomes Is there a way that women can use this as a form of torture to gain information?

Guys are already doing this so that we can get something in return in the first place, so how can girls leverage this more to the advantage of the American people? The solution would appear to be that we send in American girls to remote areas of Pakistan to rope potential terrorists into long-term relationships.

They get a little closer, the sex gets a little wilder, and within a few weeks, we’ve got the Taliban right where we want him. And the genius of this plan is that it wouldn’t be torture at all because he’s waterboarding himself by choice.

The Taliban would think that they’re going to get something in return later, so they go down on the girl and, in effect, waterboard themselves. Then they realize that it would be unchivalrous to expect reciprocation, so they’re now in this quandary where they are being water boarded and they’re going to have to do more for the girl in order to get something in return. And through this torture, that’s when our spies could ask where their friends hang out when he says that he’s “Just going for a beer.” The terrorist, thinking that she’s building up trust so that she can justify a blow job later, then reveals the location of the terrorist training camp.

And that’s how you win the war on terror and Afghan body odor at the same time.

Civil Rights means men will still do purple chicks

Civil Rights means men will still do purple chicks

Hot girls, or even mildly attractive ones for that matter, have zero right to call themselves nerds under any circumstance. Even if they actually are nerds in the traditional sense, a hot girl can never in any way be a real nerd.

If a girl is hot – no matter what her interest are – guys will have sex with her. A girl could be a white supremacist neo-Nazi with an ex-boyfriend intent on cutting any potential suitor’s balls off, but if given the opportunity any guy would still have sex with her because she is hot. It’s called spring break in Daytona Beach, Florida.

If a girl is hot and she actually enjoys going to comic book movies and can be a legitimate contender in your fantasy football league, it doesn’t make her nerdy. In fact, it makes you want to have sex with her more because you don’t have to pretend that you don’t like those things. Nor do you have to compromise and do some of her boring stuff in return.

Girls can be nerds but hot girls cannot because being a nerd comes with an unavailability of sex that would rival that of a monk. And hot girls can always – under any circumstance – get laid. The problem is that this isn’t in the official definition of a nerd. For some reason it’s become acceptable to say that a nerd is someone who simply enjoys or does nerdy things. But in reality, it’s a lifestyle.

A guy I know would compare the social circles in his video game-related job to the groups of superheroes in the Justice League and wear comic book shirts – unironically – on a daily basis. He never got laid. He was a nerd. A girl can have all of these same traits, but if she’s hot then she is not a nerd.

Being a nerd means that you’re a social outcast and you can’t be socially ostracized if people want to have sex with you. Women can be nerds, but they have to be ugly and overweight. In fact, it’s even tougher for women because you have to be especially ugly to be a female nerd. As long as you can be clearly discerned as a woman, other nerds will still hit on you. You have to be something out of Ice Road Truckers or the book Middlesex to be a female nerd.

This all goes back to every 1980s movie where the jocks were the bad guys and the nerdy nice guy won out at the end. Revenge of the Nerds, Back to the Future, Weird Science, Karate Kid. Suddenly if you were cool and popular and good looking then you were the bad guy in pop culture.

So all these people who were indeed cool and popular and attractive in high school now pretend that they’re total nerds after they almost bought Watchmen because being a nerd is the cool thing to do. But if sex is a possibility then you cannot be a nerd. Guys know this, it would be nice if girls stopped pretending as well.

A spotted owl-themed restaurant

A spotted owl-themed restaurant

Does anyone know if there’s a theory that explains an evolutionary reasoning as to why women can identify if other women are attractive, while men struggle at determining if other men are good looking?

I remember someone telling me about a survey conducted where eight women and eight men were put in a room together for ten minutes. They were then individually asked who they thought was the hottest man and who they thought was the hottest woman.

All the men agreed on who the hottest woman was, and all the women agreed on who the hottest man was. But here’s the twist: all the women also agreed on who was the hottest woman and none of the men agreed on who was the hottest man. In other words, women are much better at identifying beauty in their own sex than men.

I have my own theory as to why this is:

Maybe it is so that if women are hanging out in a group together, and a man comes over to hit on one, they know which one he is going for.

Wouldn’t that make sense? The modern version of this is in a bar, when a group of girls are out for drinks. A guy will come over and pretend to be nice to everyone so that he can sleep with one of the girls. If girls didn’t know which one was hot, they’d have no idea as to which one the guy was interested in. But because they know – on some level – they can use that information to their advantage. Thus we have the evolutionary development of the cock block.

Not so much comedy today, but really curious about this from a sociological standpoint if anyone has some insight.

Stopping time travel sex since 1988.

Stopping time travel sex since 1988.

I’m really excited for the new Terminator Salvation movie coming out soon, but it’s made me think of some of the weird time-travel logistics that will interfere with the original Terminator.

The biggest and most obvious conflict seems like it has to be that John Connor is going to send his friend back in time to have sex with his mom and conceive him, John Connor. Can you imagine how awkward of a conversation that has to be?

Surely John Connor didn’t want to have to bring it up with Kyle, but it might have crossed his mind. Right before he hit the “Send” button on the time machine, do you think he said, “By the way, don’t bang my mom,” or was he confident that his friend will go back in time and not have sex with her?

Because most bodyguards aren’t supposed to have sex with their client. I’m sure there’s some syndrome, like how caretakers fall for patients or hostages fall for their captors, but still, this is the future of the human race we’re talking about here and he’s going back to the 1980s to get laid.

But then the problem comes up that if he doesn’t have sex with Sarah Connor, then there is no John Connor and humans are screwed. So does John Connor know? And if he does, that’s even more uncomfortable to tell your friend to go back in time and have sex with your mom. How do you bring that up in casual conversation? “OK, so you need to protect my mom from a T-100 Cyborg Terminator. It’s an indistructible killing machine who will stop at nothing to kill her and anything protecting her. Also, have sex with her if you get the chance.”

Now with a You've-been-dumped rebate offer

Now with a You've-been-dumped rebate offer

Have you ever tried to time the start or end of a relationship around holidays which would otherwise require you to spend money?

It’s a really fine line to walk, if you start dating someone two-weeks or a month before Valentine’s Day or a birthday. You don’t want to have to blow a lot of cash, but you also want to seem interested.

Although, if you want to look at it another way, it does even out in the long run, because you get the money back at the tail-end of the relationship, right? It’s sort of like your rent deposit. You might have to pay for the present up front.

Like let’s say you start dating someone just before their birthday, and you gotta shell out for flowers or teddy bears or whatever girls like. But then at the end, let’s say Valentine’s Day or Christmas is looming, suddenly you’ve got a deadline to get out. Plus a financial incentive. It’s like a tax break for people who only enjoy company up to a point.

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August 2019
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