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There are plenty of less-deserving reality show stars

There are plenty of less-deserving reality show stars

Everyone is upset over the Heene family pulling off the hoax that got us on edge for the sake of pitching their reality show, but can you honestly think of a better pilot you’ve watched in the last couple years? Not only was this the greatest pilot-presentation that I’ve ever seen, but I’m desperate to follow them throughout the rest of season one.

This is an excellent TV show and they absolutely deserve to get a full-season order. I don’t know how the pitch itself didn’t sell: Every week, Falcon Heene gets lost in spectacular fashion and the United States Military has to bust out its trillion-dollar machines to try and find him. You watched it last week and that was just the teaser.

Episode two, he gets lost in an ancient mine shaft that is loaded with TNT and the Army Corps of Engineers has to save him. Episode three, he falls off the dad’s boat in shark-infested waters and the coast guard has to come to the rescue. Episode 4, kidnapped by Somali pirates and the Navy Seals get to work. Episode 5, Taliban.

I know you’re saying that it would get old with each episode ending in, “Oh, he was in the attic all along,” but what is a better timewaster while you’re at work than three hours of CNN covering the Army putting all their technology to use to find this kid? We spend so much more money on our military than any other nation, and the wacky mishaps of Falcon Heene can finally justify our defense budget.

Maybe you could make the argument that people would feel guilty because we would be spending millions of dollars every week when the kid wasn’t lost in the first place, but aren’t all reality shows guilty pleasures?

We’ve got hovercrafts, amphibians helicopters, heat-seeking sensors, supersonic jets and supercomputers just sitting around collecting dust, but imagine if we can watch them try and find a six-year-old on a weekly basis. You were having a blast last week trying to figure out if the kid was dead or not in spectacular fashion. And if there was a whole season of it, I would be first in line to buy the DVD.

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Right to Die: Coming this Fall only on Fox

Right to Die: Coming this Fall only on Fox

It seems like every argument over abortion, health care, right-to-die and euthanasia always comes down to pro-life and pro-choice. But where’s the other end of the spectrum? Pro-life seems very right wing. Pro-choice seems very centrist – do what you like – but where is the far left-wing opinion? The pro-death people if you will. If you use the argument that people who want to die should be able to, then you can help ease health care, social security and the primetime T.V. schedule coming up with ways to satisfy those demands.

Granted that sounds a bit murky to say the least, so they’d need a new title or a serious p.r. man, but I think you could make a legitimate argument for the pro-death stance.

This doesn’t advocate going around killing people, but it’s sort of the far end of the extreme of keeping people on life support when, by all measure, they’ve been dead for a decade. Or, same thing goes for people who have worked in a cubicle for twenty years, they’re in their seventies, single, no kids. Basically me if nothing changes in fifty years. I would deserve to go.

We could solve numerous problems if braindead senior citizens had to make the case for wanting to die: health care, which spends an insane amount of money keeping people on life support; social security, which is could go bankrupt; and Fox’s Fall schedule, which is still desperately seeking a new American Idol-type reality show.

Let’s say I keep going at the rate where I’m currently headed. Crap job, zero career prospects, single, nothing to my name, no kiddies, headed towards baldness, clinging to decent shape thanks to no social life allowing me to play sports. Let’s stay on this track for another forty years, do you really want to pay for me to keep chugging along for these stupid blog posts? Really? Or, would you spend five minutes with Fox watching me plead desperately for why a death squad shouldn’t put me out of my rightful misery? You would totally sit through a commercial break to stick around for Simon Cowell’s decision.

I’m not getting all Nazi-like either. I don’t think retarded people should be killed. Because retarded people are very entertaining. And they keep the World Wrestling Entertainment in business, which creates jobs.

But if an old guy can make the case that he shouldn’t be around anymore, why stop him, y’know?

It seems as though the only way the guy can be put out of his misery is if he commits a lethal crime and gets the death penalty. Then it seems all right with Fox News to end a life, right? Well, what if we get the killers to take care of the suicidal? We can save on producing anti-depressants, spend less money on prisons, save money on social security, ease pressure on health care and put it all on television for a fantastic night with the family.

And all this thanks to my day job that let’s me do a little bit of blogging. Maybe I’ll keep going after all.

Spanish for one eye

Spanish for one eye

I hate when you’re flipping through the TV channels and come across a movie you really want to watch, just to find out a split second later that the whole thing has been dubbed in Spanish.

Can’t they add English subtitles to the original English movie for these frustrating situations? We gave them the channels in the first place, seems like the least they can do.

When is Scream 6 coming out?

When is Scream 6 coming out?

All the networks have announced their new Fall schedules. You can find the respective previews for all the shows for CBS, NBC, ABC, FOX and the CW networks.

The analysis on these pickups usually come in September, but why not start laying the morning lines on which ones will be canceled first. So if you’re sitting in your office full of people who could do it better and write the next big TV show that no one has thought of yet, why not spend the meantime bashing those who have actually tried?

So here are the early odds, based on which shows look the worst, on which will be the first show to be canceled in the 2009-2010 TV season

A quick note that it should be mentioned that 1) I’m just some film school kid who doesn’t know anything. 2) These are just the comedies and “comedic dramas.” All medical, legal, cop and crime evidence shows are the same to me. 3) I have only read the scripts and seen the previews. But this reverts back to number one.

THE “COUPLING” WORST OF THE PACK:

2-1 Cougar Town. My odds-on favorite, this show looks not only as atrocious as it sounds, but also as bad as every single post-Friends cast member sitcom that have all tried and failed. Except now they know that they fail and don’t have to keep it around forever to prove their point, ala Joey. Shows should not be developed by word of the day on UrbanDictionary.

7-2 Hank. Combine the originality of Back to You with the laugh track from Do Not Disturb. Then mix a little Friends rule (see above) applied to ex-Frasier stars and you get Hank. The whole thing of the snooty rich folks coming back down to Earth loses its edge when they come back down to Earth and still see themselves as better than everyone.

5-1 Accidentally On Purpose. It’s Knocked Up, but from the girl’s perspective and toned down to be a CBS multi-cam. Admittedly some of it looked decent, like it has the girl who played Maggie in Extras, but maybe I’m pining for the bubble to burst on cleaned up versions of almost-risque jokes that STILL HAVE A LAUGH TRACK. The only reason it’s not higher up is because these kinds of awful sitcoms do pretty well on CBS. See the entire rest of their comedy schedule.

8-1 Brothers. What says comedy more than the single-season sacks record holder, ex-defensive linesman turned NFL on Fox halftime analyst? See if you can notice the subtle gap-in-the teeth references (there’s a scant dozen of them in the three-minute preview).

9-1 The Good Wife. Some of these female-led dramas sit around on Friday nights for years (I think Sally Fields currently stars in four different shows all airing on the same time on Fridays), or they become Commander in Chief.

THE “MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE” MIDDLING DIVISION:

10-1 The entire CW Network.

15-1 Deep End. It all depends on how it’s executed. This seems like the exact kind of show that would be perfect for the three-minute teaser that is on ABC.com. It can have the fun that made Grey’s a great show for the first couple years, but it can also be a hodgepodge of stuff desperate to find their next Grey’s

15-1 The Middle. This is one of those shows that will get good reviews and everyone will hope it does well, and it will probably be around for a while, but no one will really watch it. Malcolm in the Middle (which is what it looks like to a T), King of the Hill and Studio 60 all fall into this category. Doesn’t look too expensive to make, so maybe it’ll stick around for a bit. Maybe I’ll finally catch an episode in syndication in a few years.

16-1 Sons of Tucson. More of a clever show than a funny comedy, if it plays up the characters – which it looks like it’s doing – then it’ll last. Easy to turn into the lazy-oaf-turned-responsible archetype (see every Jason Segal movie), but looks fresh.

20-1 Glee. Nothing to say about this show, except I know I’ll hate it and I know it will succeed.

THE “30 ROCK” SHOWS THAT COULD BE AS GREAT AS 30 ROCK:

25-1 Community. Personally rooting for this because an old classmate at NYU and Improv troupes, Donald Glover, landed a role in it, but this show looks really good. Isn’t the Chevy Chase comeback reason enough? He’s Chevy Chase and you’re not. He compares himself with other golfers by height. It has to rock.

28-1 Modern Family. Ed O’Neill barely ekes out Chevy Chase as the actor I’m most looking forward to this Fall. Show looks hilarious. Apparently they aired the entire pilot at the upfronts and it slayed the room. I think it was written by Steve Levitan and it just looks solid.

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