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The Swine Flu, Hepititis, Plague express

The Swine Flu, Hepititis, Plague express

Everyone in Los Angeles is terrified about Swine Flu, which they really shouldn’t be because no one in Los Angeles ever interacts with other people. Your average Los Angelino is face-to-face with an average of two real people per month (made-up stat), and it tends not to be the person who gets Swine Flu.

But their problem is that on the oft-chance that they are around someone with the disease, they’re screwed because they haven’t built up their immune system. I, on the other hand, will be perfectly fine because I ride the bus.

Do you have any idea how much the Los Angeles Metro strengthens the immune system? I’ve had diseases that don’t even have names because they can only exist in the stale environment of the Vermont Boulevard rapid line.

I think I’ve already had Swine Flu a half-dozen times in the last month. People bring their cattle and livestock on the bus with them, it’s really nothing new.

You car-drivers are the ones in trouble. Yeah your odds are low because you never have to talk to another human being, but on the chance that you encounter the disease, you’re screwed. You’re not ready. You’ve never been on the bus.

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corn-on-the-cobEvery time a tub of popcorn induces a number two of destructive proportions it fails to surprise me that we can power cars on the same material.

You’d think that the link would have been made decades ago, probably by some guy sitting on a toilet having his insides wrecked by a Loews Theater super-combo.

Considering that popcorn has the ability to turn my intestines inside out, you’d think someone would have tried using the stuff as fuel ignition. You just sit there as it turns everything in your stomach to liquid, and eventually the idea, “That stuff I ate would be better suited for a carburetor,” surely enters your head.

Maybe we should stop selling this at theaters now. Granted I don’t know how I’d watch a movie without popcorn, but on the flip side, at least my evenings would free up thanks to gaining an hour of not sitting on the can.

But if we go to the movies and are regularly downing a suitable replacement for diesel fuel, either the movie theaters, car companies, or evolutionary habits are flawed. I’m not pointing fingers. I’m just saying something’s amiss.

los-angeles-trafficThe way that people drive in Los Angeles is the way that people argue in New York City.

Both require an instinctual level of offense-minded aggression with complete disregard to the possibility that you could be liable, at fault or wrong.

You will also continue to regale tales of both to disinterested coworkers in a style dramatically similar to war stories that amputees could share.

Also, after you do both, you’ll absent-mindedly blab to the person sitting/walking next to you about how correct you were and how much of an idiot the stranger offender was.

wi-fi-zone-logoI went down to D.C. last weekend, a city with permanent residents who are douche bag lawyers mixed with temporary tourists who are fat, stupid southerners. This makes me not understand why there was a problem when they had a crack head mayor.

My friend recommended I take the DC2NY Bus which turned out to be a great experience. I didn’t bring my laptop, but they stressed the fact that they were the first carrier to offer free Wi-Fi for the mid-Atlantic trip.

What I found funny, though, was that the internet ON THE BUS was password protected.

You needed a password code to logon to the internet hooked to the sixty-five M.P.H. transportation vehicle.

I’m all for streamlining business practices to aid efficiency, but this seems like they’re not giving people along the Jersey Turnpike the benefit of the doubt. This means that the DC2NY bus is protecting themselves against two types of people:

The first is those who have laptops and get in their cars and follow the bus to try and steal their Internet. I doubt this is the case because rising gas costs, the amount of money to purchase a notebook computer, coupled with the cost of buying and financing a car surely outweighs the money saved by not having Internet, right?

The second group are those who already have homes (presumably alongside, or close to, I-95) who save on Internet by only connecting at their homes for the three seconds that the bus passes through. This would require a radar detector and to be completely ready with Firefox set to connect to Gmail when that box starts beeping.

It’s a good thing that the bus is tall enough so that people don’t try to drive alongside to watch the movie on our TV screens. Then the DC2NY bus would require special vision goggles to keep the outsiders where they belong…OUT!

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