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Your military coup lost out to the guy that did the Thriller video

Your military coup lost out to the guy that did the Thriller video

Something happened in Honduras today. I don’t know what happened, but I know it involves a country with poor people facing some sort of poor country strife, like a typhoon or an evil dictator, and I know I’m supposed to care.

But I’ve been overloaded with too many third-world countries to pretend to care about in the past few months and frankly, I can’t keep up anymore.

This all goes back to the tsunami in Sumatra. Or maybe it was Thailand, or Sri Lanka or the Philippines. I don’t know anymore, that’s how many countries have been fighting for my fake attention since then.

After that, there was the typhoon (or maybe it was a hurricane or a flood, I don’t know, something with water) in a country that might be Myanmar. Is that a country? I remember it sounded sort of like a Milky Way, but more third-world-country-with-strife. Maybe it started with a B? But not Bangladesh. That was something else.

Then we had the whole Gaza thing. I totally understood that one. The Israelis had all the military power and the Gazans sucked at fighting, so I had to fake care about the Gaza Strip for a couple weeks.

And even then, I was able to be totally on my game when the caring-about-Iran thing came around a couple weeks ago. I got it, and totally understood why I had to pretend to care and why I didn’t really care. On one hand, an election was rigged and people had a right to vote. But on the other hand, it’s not like the other guy – the guy who got cheated – was going to make things better.

I mean, it’s still Iran. It’s not as if the other guy – the less crazy Muslim of the two – would be elected and all of a sudden gay marriage would be legal. Now women can’t have any freedom but only four days a week instead of all seven. Don’t know if it was worth backing up traffic on Wilshire all the way back to the Pacific, but whatever, I’ll pretend to care because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

And now there’s something going on in Honduras. Either there was a coup by the military that the people didn’t want. Or some of the people wanted it and there’s going to be a Civil War. Or the soccer team won a game. It might even be El Salvador. There is too much third world country strife for me to pretend to care about right now. It’s overload. I don’t know what color I’m supposed to shade my Twitter photo anymore.

These countries need to get their evil dictators or genocidal military in order and decide who will get my month of attention, ONE AT A TIME. It’s too much and it needs to stop. That’s worth a protest on its own.

Both still seeking their first championship

Both still seeking their first championship

More aid is being sent to Africa, more U2 songs are being written and more kids are being whisked away by Pitt-Jolie Ltd., yet the continent still can’t get on stable footing. It’s made me wonder if Africa – the entire Continent – is the Los Angeles Clippers of land masses.

Year after year, Africa comes in last in revenue, tickets sold, attendance and they always get all the perks to turn things around. They get the best minds, they get the most aid, they always get the first draft pick. Yet, none of it seems to work. Clearly this is the fault of mismanagement.

All the resources are there to win. They have numbers, they have natural resources, they have water, food and industry, yet the people in charge keep messing things up. It’s like Baron Davis, Marcus Camby and Zach Randolph. Very talented individually, but when Mike Dunleavy is put in charge, suddenly you have epidemics, food shortages and civil wars in the Staples Center. Mike Dunleavy is the Robert Mugabe of the NBA.

Also, both have a lot of black people. If you like your metaphors more direct.

zimbabwe_flagEverything going on with the election results in Zimbabwe makes me wonder about the picking process for location reporters at larger newspapers.

Think that’s a tense meeting in the Editors’ room of the New York Times, when they have to decide who to send to Zimbabwe versus other world crisis?

“We’re gonna need someone to cover the impending riots over disputed election results leading to a civil war in Africa. Also, someone needs to head to the Australian beaches and chat with hot women who survived the forest fires. So…who’s off to Zimbabwe? Anyone? Hello?”

iraq-protestI find it ironic that the people who are most adamant about a timetable for Iraq seem to be the most lazy about a timetable for their own personal lives.

It’s always something like, “We want a 14.2% incremental troop reduction exponentially imposed beginning on April 3rd at 4:15 P.M….And maybe I’ll get lunch in the future and probably get high later. I’d like to get a job eventually, and if I put my mind to it maybe I’ll move out of my parent’s house.”

If we can organize these legalization of marijuana protests better, then we’ll have struck the perfect balance between vigor of protesting and vigor that people believe in the cause they’re fighting for.

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August 2019
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